How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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