Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
