Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
