dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
