I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
