Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
