You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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