Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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