dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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