Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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