Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
where are my eyebrows?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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