Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
