census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
