I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
