I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
