I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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