he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
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You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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