whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
