1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
