She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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