Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
