I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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