Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
