My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
