Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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