got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
