he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
