2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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