Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize