I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides