I am puke
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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