....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
