Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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