This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Houston, we have a squirter
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
