just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
