Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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