The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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