he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
