I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
