Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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