I just saw a hot homeless man
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
