not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
