apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Holy sore nipples Batman
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
