Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
