If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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