im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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