I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
