Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
