his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I smell like Dick and happiness
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