Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Is it penis luge time yet?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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