y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
