Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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