it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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