I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
