Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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