Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
