note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize